i've just re-read some emails been sending recently, i should really listen to the advice i give out but i never do

 

ho hum

morning!

 

yes i aint been on here for a while, ashame huh?  what do you mean no!  you bastards

 

anyways, aint been up to much recently so not really had anything to add, well apart from another silleh song, but we wont go there, the fact that the other day it took me nearly 6 hours to work out what i wanted to eat for dinner, i bought a WII finally and thinks its silleh fun, OH and i spotted me old wagon, aww bless, i tooks a photo on me phone (its definately same one same number plate and more to the point same ickle dent in the back right quater... lalala)

 

i aint written a bloggy type blog yet, or have i, i dunno but anyways been weird day today started off by meeting this really wonderful woman.  i went there to carry out a usual quote for some building works and found out it was an ensuite for her as shes disabled, she couldnt be that much older than me and seemed fine apart from a bit underweight and a awkward limp, turns out she has an extremely rare disorder that eats away at her muscles, and shes in an "accelerated" stage and been told she only has a couple of years left to live.  never met someone who was dying before, well i met old people who look like they wont make it til tomorrow, but you know thats different.  i thought they'd be all depressed and resigned but she was ironically full of life, a real character and someone i think everyone would just be able to talk to for ages and ages and have a laugh with.  its a real shame that something like this is happening to her and so i was on a bit of a downer this afternoon.

 

UNTIL!   yes, you cant keep a good man down, except with a nail gun!  that'll work.  yes i soon cheered up this afternoon thanks to a bird dying to get in my room last night... literally, yup there i was in bed at about 2am dribbling away thinking of pyschic cyber ducks (as we all do) when BANG!  i thought some twunt monkey had thrown something at me window and forgot aboots it, obviously due to lack of full nights sleep i didnt notice this morning when i drew the curtains but there on the flat roof was a pidgeon with its head caved in and its chest wide open (weird that bit, and icky).  so my neighbours had the fun sight of seeing me getting up a ladder (in a shirt n tie no less, i dunno why i didnt change first) n putting it in a black sack, before lobbing it over the edge of the roof into the garden, it kinda went "schplop" when it landed, tehe. 

 

hmm, for some reason i dont fancy chicken tonight and why aint i wearing any pants?!

 

anyways i know theres more spelling errors in here than well anywheres in the known punnyverse but i feel lazy today, so jog on!

Every now and then i get bored, when i get bored, i'll do one of a few things, no not that, well even if i did i wouldnt admit it on here, well probably would actually cause i dont care, but thats not the point.  the point is one of those things is make silly parodies of songs and me mate kev just sent back to me a song i did for him aaaaaaaages ago, also found an old classic so i thought i'd put 'em on here for your view (dis)pleasure

---

twas the monty python lumberjac song!

 

 

Yes, horror, been watching a lot of it recently for some strange unknown reason, maybe its because when you have to wake up with my face every morning nothing scares you anymore... hmmm, well apart from when i was watching some really bad one on tuesday that actually made me jump, it was obvious it was coming too!  doh!  luckily i was on my own so no one will ever know... oh wait, doh!

 

Anyways, yesterday i had a horror fest of evil dead 1 and 2 and some japanese horror (which wasnt that bad actually) called incarnation.  I was going to watch another but got bored from it all and gave up.  so after talking to me mate online and then trying and failing to get some sleep (wonder if thats related to my recent horror obsession?) I gave up on trying to sleep and watched Penny Dreadful... yes first time i've watched a film where the title pretty much sums up the film

 

That'll learn me, its friday 13th tomorrow!

TEH HORROR!

Be careful kiddies (despite what i said in a previous post about friday 13th not being that unlucky really) or the booger man might get you, or more to the point me.  Yes i nearly ran over some ipod zombie today, yay for brakes and him nearly messing himself in fear.  I wound me window down n called him a twunt.  Not sure what confused him more, my interesting choice of insults or the fact that i shouted at him despite him having his earplugs still in his head.

 

Oh well, i looked angry so im sure he got the gist. 

Ooo two posts in 3 days, almost becoming regular! 

 

No not in a boo-hoo i spilt me milk type way... well, i was at first but then i realised i had more milk!  huzzah!

 

err

yes, i mean im sad because i found myself on youtube t'other day watching the lovely classic re-mix of the cillit bang advert (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dT2iE1OBGk) and thought, they should make him king!  and michael winner queen thanks to his calm down dear adverts!

 

and lo!  moucho coinage and badges where made! well one, i already did a cillit bang badge, hence im sad!  in a "tarded" type way

 

also me matey kevey, made a EXACT clone of me with the use of vegtables and stuffs, he mentioned it was anotomically correct which is apparent due to the lack of bollocks, i'd of moaned at him but he had a point, which is more than i have seeing as im missing that too

 

this should also make me sad, but im far too stupid to realise this!

talking of naff badges, i made a ironic awards badge i might do from time to time, or it'll be a one off cause im a lazy fooker

 

anyways i'll leave you with a bad joke!

 

when god created women

she had not two breasts but three

and the middle one got in the way

so god did surgery

and woman stood in front of god

with the middle breast in her hand and said

"what will i do with this useless boob?"  and god created man!

Like the return of the whiney kid... err i mean jedi, lilmisslostit is back!  and this time its personal!

 

me loves naff sequals, actually im not sure i do, but there you go

 

I had time to kill this morning after sillily booking in late morning surveys so i thought "its dodgy photoshopping tyhme!" and LO!  two dodgy shops for your viewing (dis)pleasure, with a rather interesting star warsey theme for some reason

 

i sure more will follow but i have lost my inspiration, or more to the point time as i gotta dash in a mo, oh alas i haves to spend all day in my new car (its a seat leon lillmissdidntreadpreviousposts!) oh the shames of it

BRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooommm

 

that was me driving past in me new wagon!  yes barbara survived til i gots me new car, and what a car!  ok its no ferrari and not top of the range even but its one big step up from me old wagon and it put a smile on me face and thats all that counts!  well it does for me

 

back to work tomorrow so it'll be sat in the yard all day longs while i worry about someone clipping it, bah! but also yays its mine ALL MINE!  muwhahahaha n stuffs

 

also i've eaten too much today due to taking me mum out for a pub lunch then meeting me mate and taking him for a spin out to sunny ongar and having a pub dinner!  me be fatso, lucky i got a bigger engine to pull the extra weight

 

my clothes smell of new car smell, heh

i'll post a pic of me new car soon cause i gotta take a snap for me mate johnny dizzler so its not that im sad and would take a pic of the car to show off or anything, it was a request!  honest!*

 

i is off to dream of more driving!

 

*probably would of done it anyways

Good news!

 

Yes twonk luvers, I haves some good news!  No I aint got me car yet (soon tho!) and no I aint had a haircut, faff off!

 

The good news is Friday 13th isn’t the unluckiest day after all!  It’s really Monday 27th!  Why?  Cause I said so dagmanit!  Also cause they did some boring study of insurance companies etc and found out, but mainly cause I said so!

 

So why is this good news?  Cause there’s no Monday 27th until August!  So if that’s not good news then I don’t know what is, well apart form world peace, Holly Valance realising the only one she’ll ever love is me, Southend football club staying up, and the Australians realise that even though they call us “whinging poms” statistically they spend more time moaning! (yes I’m full of facts today rather than just gobschite like normal).

 

Ok I live in a fantasy world but those things could happen, which would be very good news for me (especially the Southend staying up, which is obviously more important to me than world peace or lots of nookie with holly valance... I might need help!).

 

So there you go, I bringeth good news, so don’t say I never give you anything cause I never do, so ner!  

 

...oh wait

Its february!

 

how'd that happen!?!?  i aint written some naff shite on here since last year, well slap me about the face with a randy and slightly confused piglet

 

anyways i promise (not) to update more often for my many many fans.... err well i'll update anyways so ner!

 

in mean time have a panoramic silly pic of me family (can you spot what we did? :P), a silly "if McDonalds ruled the world!" type pic and also a rubber duck eagle!

 

TehFear!

So there I was mildly not really paying attention to what was going on when I walked into half a conversation, a guy said "i like titties..." to which I replied, "what guy doesnt?!"

 

<silence>

little did I know the guy was actually talking about an Audi TT the car!  he said "tt's!" not "titties!"

 

one track mind perhaps but also uber punage!

 

and so I made a crapola photoshoped image!  (finding the source pic for this was real hard work...ahem)

 

 

 

phwoar! shes got her TT's out!

eek!

 

said a random person as they walked past to see me naked and scratching my arse... err no wait wrong story, but still very valid, except they came after me later with a trank gun... damn them!

 

erm..yes

 

back to the plot

theres a plot!? 

 

i have an slightly aging fiat bravo, being the normal sensible down to earth kinda guy i named my car soon after i bought it, i also named my fiesta before that but she died, alas poor fiona i hardly knew yee... err anyways, i named me bravo barbara!

 

as you do

 

but i fear she is cursed!  for i have put a deposite down on a new seat leon and since i have done this things have been going wrong with barbararararararararski, first there was the horrible sound when i started the car at the petrol station (yes i did wee myself thinking i was gonna explode... twice!) then a plastic panel in the boot spontaniously decided to go *TWANG* and snap!

 

NOW

my wirings fooked to my front left headlight!  stwange?  indeed!  cowinkydink?  who knows?!  scared?  damn straight i need new underpants!!!

 

i've got my car til probably early new year when those nice spanish types finally ship me new motor over here for me to instantly cras.. i mean drive happily for ages.  but will i survive the barbara curse?  will this be the end of your favourite twonk (or me for that matter)?!?  find out in next weeks adventures!

 

durh durh duuuuurh!

 

you know i missed all that from old eps, now you still get cliffhangers esp in stuff like Lost etc but instead of "find out next week!" its more like "find out in februray when we can be arsed to put it back on" huzzah?

no, no no no no no!  its bad!

 

they're all bad, esp when they axe a series at the end of the first one even though theres a big cliffhanger, i mean how am i meant to get closure?!  wanktards!

 

excuse my french

 

i may have gone off topic but i dont care because im far too stupid to realise what im on about anyways

I saw a horriday snap of me with a can'o'beer and thought "hurhur, i drink... idrink, i knows!" and my first vector was born!  needless to say its the bastard son of mr lackofskill and miss wishihadn'tsneezedhalfwaythroughdrawingthis...err shes got an interesting name... anyways its poo but what do i care?

 

yay for ipod rip off stuff thats far better than my vector \o/

Oh the hardship of being me!

 

I had an annoying day t'other day, well not annoying more frustrating, im a surveyor so i go round peoples houses being nosey and getting paid for it!  "Blimey!" you might say in a mild act of surprise, or not, anyways I'm a bit of a smart arse and a flirt apparently, so I like quick come backs and flirting with the ladies (more like being a twat but shh)...

 

Anyways, so there I was stood in this womans bedroom talking about pets, when she gave me THE bestest setup line ever!  "I cant stand animals in the bedroom!" she said, to which my mind quickly replied "oh... I had better leave then" but my mouth smartly stayed shut, cause she was like 75yrs old! eek!  im not that desperate (lies) and so I'm depressed, bestest setup line by a non-mate type person and it was wasted... WASTEDEDEDED!!!!

 

What is the world coming too!?  I asked myself slightly off topic and not really listening to myself

 

But hey, at the end of the day its all about dodgy photoshopping innit! \o/

What do you call legolas in a hard hat and a hi-vis vest?!

 

 

 

 

 

Elf n safety!

 

bah-boom-tish!

 

ok i'll shut up

*sobs*

As lilmisslostit (hello and thanky you btw) encouraged me more random photoshopedness!

 

 

 

 

blimey its like november, late november and i aint added anything to this pile of pants... err i mean blog type thing

 

mainly because i couldnt be arsed, so ner

 

anyways i've been buseh recently what with pickin me nose and scratchin my arse (often with the same finger) but have stopped this interesting and fragrent hobby to instead part-take in the fookin around of photos with photoshop!

 

yay?

indeedie!

 

i've uploaded some of my weirdness for your viewing pleasure.. or displeasure... or whatever, anyways heres a visual thing of what goes on in my head, lets hope i dont learn how to animate!

  Don't be shy, leave a message!

Oh, what a give away... Was the opening page of my old old old old old website that I made many a moon ago.  It was a glorious creation, full of jokes, donkeys, sex, pictures (i drew meself!) and other cra.. I mean amazing stuff I made when I was changing jobs about 4-5 years ago.

 

Anyways, being the sad sentimental type, I am just leaving the job I started when I was leaving THAT job, so I thought (yeah I know, its rare) "I know, I'll look up me old site!", unfortunately its been taken down now... yay I hear you cry, but yer wankers, so neeer!

Well... you might not want to read it but I wants at least one good page to live on!

 

It was a joke idea of mine to have a long running news series type gag thingy (that sounded better in my head), turned out to be a one off anyways I wrote this:

 

 

Todays headlines…

 

*Dong!*

Animal attacks in Scotland

*Dong!*

David Beckham is actually smarter than he looks

*Dong!*

Strange man with bell runs riot in newsroom

*Dong!*

Reports from the latest local election

*Dong!*

Whitemen in coats have been called to this address to take me away

 

Good evening, I'm Arbuthnut Chucklebutt.  Today in the strange and scary country of Scotland, a wild animal was seen roaming the streets, here’s a live report from the scene by our reporter Serious Lee…

 

Hello, you join me with the Royal Pervy o’Blimy Kilts Scottish Brigade as we’re in pursuit of whats been called the “Missing Link of Scotland”.  This creature was last seen heading up “Wee Bonnie Road” towards the “Yee Ole Alchie Guzzling Tavern”, after reports that the creature had violent tendencies the local police called in the army with the order to stop this wild animal at all costs.

 

We’ve been tracking this elusive creature for nigh on 5 minutes now and oh I'm hearing that they actually have it cornered over in a near by house…  we’ll get back to you when we get there, back to the studio.

 

*scene cuts to studio*

…yeah my wife didn’t like my using the word “puke”, but to me thats what her cooking tasted like… oh erm… yes, thank you Serious Lee, other news today, an expert has revealed that famous footballer and general twonk David Beckham, is actually smarter than he looks, the expert, a Dr Hugh G Rection was quoted in saying “he may have that old absent minded look going for him but I think he actually has a brain of some sort”.  Other experts have expressed slight doubt over Dr Rections comments by saying “if David Beckham has a brain then why did he marry posh spice?”

 

In other news, a historian is warning about another tyrannical leader who has a nasty case of short-arse-itus, this leader, G W Bush, fits the mould to a “T” according to Dr Dangleberry of the Oxford University whose a lecturer in everything short and annoying.  Dr Dangleberry said “G W Bush is just one in a long line of short men who have risen to power and soon afterwards became power mad in a strange height hang up.  Adolf Hitler, Napoleon are two others and this phenomenon (dodooooo dododo) which even dates back as far as Attila the Hun”

 

Other people have questioned these claims stating that Osama Bin Laden and Saddan Hussian aren’t short arses but are very annoying, Dr Dangleberry defended his claims by saying “this is true but they are just plain weird and hairy”.  When asked if Tony Blair is affected by either of these two afflictions Dr Dangleberry said, “no he’s far to stupid”.

 

Now we’ll hand over to Serious Lee again in Scotland…

 

Thank you Arbuthnut, we’re here in the aftermath of the confrontation with the animal, the house was completely destroyed in the action, I spoke to Sergeant Fluffybum Winkelhophen who said the attack went exactly as planned and the animal is surely dead, the soliders are sifting through the rubble now searching for the remains.  Back to the studio…

 

*scene cuts to studio*

… nah I prefer oral stimulation myself… oh errr, yes, erm… ok lets hear about the weather with Emma Roids, so Emma is the weather going to get any better?

 

No, in fact its going to get worse I'm afraid, there’s this huge low pressure that’s going to be slowly moving over the whole of the country over the next few days bringing with it shitty weather all round.  This should clear up a bit by mid-day just to give you a slight hope of a nice sunny day until it swings back again and makes you want to go and throw yourself headfirst out of a 5th floor window. 

 

The rest of the week looks like this

Tuesday – mostly shite during the day then turning to plain crappy in the evening

Wednesday – severe gales, hail the size of your fist, tidal waves, other than that not bad

Thursday – not sure, but no one cares about Thursday anyway

Friday – will start cheery then rapidly turn into a hellish maelstrom, which will result in severe flooding just about everywhere, I recommended collecting 2 of every animal

Saturday – God will reign down vengeance on the earth for most of the day, starting in the east and slowly heading westwards which will go across most of the country by about lunchtime

Sunday – god will have a day off and the weather will be fine, but we will all be dead so that’s a fucker aint it.

 

Well thank you Emma, nice to know you can give us all bad news while looking happy.  Right well lets head back to Serious Lee in Scotland.

 

You’ve joined us at a very important time, we found some remains of the animal the army was tracking and they are these false teeth and a Zimmer frame, some eye witnesses claim that the army just blew up an old peoples home, but they were quickly silenced after Sergeant Winkelhophen shot them.  In addition, we’ve heard reports of more sightings of the animal lurking in some bushes in the nearby town.

 

So it looks like this animal has managed to escape capture for the moment and will remain at large until something can be done to catch and neuter him.  If you see this creature anywhere, please do not approach he is very dangerous and will attack you with a nasty piece of spam until your begging for it to stop, that’s when he moves in for the kill by force feeding you pot noodles and steals all your sayings.  Here’s a picture that we caught of him just moments ago

 

<I had a picture here of a old mate who wanted to nail my head to a desk for putting it here>

 

This was Serious Lee reporting for Jub’s World News, back to the studio…

 

Thank you serious, now on to other news, theres a local election in Pervsville after the previous MP, Mr Tosspot, was found kicked to death at Pedros the local donkey sex emporium, no one has been arrested of the crime yet but police have released new information about a hoof print left of Mr Tosspots testicles. 

 

The polling stations are still taking votes and will be open until someone actually turns up.

 

In showbiz news, Arnie Schwarzenegger has revealed that he will be hanging up his Machine Gun and will not star in any more action movies, Arnie famous for his roles in the Terminator with catch phrases such as “I'll be back” and “give me an Uzi 9mm” had this to say… “I'm getting to old, dese Uzi’s aren’t getting any lighter, I want to karry on in de film industry but in more lighter roles, maybe a komedy”. 

 

Arnie also revealed signing a £45 million new 3-film contract with Warner Bros, these films will be :-

“Jogging man” a heart-warming story of a middle-aged man getting older, co-starting with Meg Ryan,

“Sperminator” a comedy about a middle aged man facing up to his impotency, starting Billy Crystal, and

“Total Amnesia” a tragic story of a middle aged who has amnesia and cant find his Uzi co-staring some unknown bint.

 

In todays sport, bugger all happened, apart from the FA gave referees new powers to protect themselves against abuse from players.  All ref’s will now carry a 48 calibre magnum and can use it on any player when the referee feels threatened, the ref will also be allowed to throw grenades into the crowd if they annoy him while the linesmen will man the 20mm mini gun emplacements at the side of the pitch.  A FA spokesman refuted claims of going over the top by saying “ay up ‘ave a banana”.

 

And finally, zombie reports are becoming more and more frequent across the UK, with reports of brain-dead undead-people “roaming the streets” increasing 126% since 1998, experts have speculated about a connection with the amount of Radio, Micro and Mexican waves that our brains are bombarded with each day.  However, our own investigation into the matter has suggested that most of these zombie sightings occur in high street stores such as Boots, in these establishments there are a high level of shiny objects, low, low savings and of course most of the customers are women. 

 

This mindless mindlessness that occurs in the female brain due to over stimulation of the frontal cortex and results in women milling around, suddenly stopping or changing of direction when walking along, complete lack of awareness of their surroundings and a strange craving for human brains and beauty products.  Boots and other high street stores will be looking into this phenomenon (dododo) and will be trying to combat it in due time.

 

This has been a waste of time and I’ve been talking bollox, good night.